Everything Friends: The Why, The How, How Many or Too Many, Social Media Impact, And, Ultimately, Wisdom As You Age

All of a sudden, or not so sudden with the domination of social media, and everybody in a group sitting on their phones rather than talking to each other, studies about everything about friends and friendships are everywhere. But are they helpful?

The Why

I was raised by two Holocaust survivors who believed that friends were those who turned you over to the Nazis, and only family members were the people you could depend on and with whom you should surround yourself. Leaving out the Nazi part, some may happily live their life that way.

A great article I wish I could share with my deceased parents is, “Why Do We Need Friends? Six Benefits of Healthy Friendships: Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." By Kristen Fuller, MD, Psychology Today, October 2, 2017.

After I reviewed the draft of this blog post, I noticed that all the articles I relied upon were published in the month of October. October is Mental Health Awareness Month, so it makes sense because friendships are our best way to protect against loneliness and isolation.

A 2023 report from then U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy found that loneliness and social isolation raise the risk for premature death by nearly thirty percent, which is comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Strong social connections protect against heart disease, dementia, and stroke, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The How

The best article I found about helping your child or grandchild make friends, going to the absolute basics, a keeper to help the children in your life, but also to reassert for all of us the foundations of friendship, is “How to help kids make friends: A pediatric psychologist shares 6 tips on how to support your child in developing skills to build healthy friendships.” By Ranya Alnatour, PsyD. Children’s Health.

Those of us who have lived a long life, know that we have made friends at different stages in our lives based upon timing in our lives and our circumstances, such as school friends, college friends, professional friends, friends we made that were parents of our children’s friends and their activities, friends we have made in religious or spiritual participation, joining clubs, exercise groups, hobby and group activities, volunteering, travel, or attending events related to interests.

There are periods of time in our lives when we have more time and less time, and that is reflected in the ebb and flow and change of the quantity and quality of our group of friends, in my opinion.

Deeper connections and closer friendships come with time, consistency, commitment, and greater intimacy in the relationships, caring and compassion and sharing with those we feel genuine interest. I personally think there is the intangible, the spiritual, what we might call an energetic connection on several dimensions. To those we want or think to become friends with. . . .

How Many or Too Many

The newest, comprehensive article on friendship that caught my attention is, “Our Brains Evolved to Socialize—but Max Out at About 150 Friends. The size of our social networks is

limited even in the age of social media,” by Aylin Woodward, Wall Street Journal, October 7, 2025.

In my opinion, to believe in the Dunbar theory, the subject of the Wall Street Journal article, you may have to believe in Darwin’s theory first. Dunbar’s theory contains layers of numbers of friends that are all multiples of fives, the upper limit is 150 friends, which he says is based on what the brain can handle, limited by the size of the neocortex, the part of the brain associated with cognition and language. Dr. Robin Dunbar, British anthropologist, says he isn’t sure why these layers of numbers are all multiples of five, but says, “this number five does seem to be fundamental to monkeys and apes in general”, as his theory is based on

studying those mammals.

When you get beyond 150 friends, they become “one-way” relationships. “The key to the 150 and the layers within is that they’re reciprocated,” he found.  While 150 is his theoretical limit for social connections, the number of truly close, supportive friends, “the inner circle,” includes about five friends or family members the one confides in and talk to regularly. Next, in the circle of the first 50, fifteen are “good friends” or close family one socializes with at least once a month. “[A]bout 60% of your social attention goes to these 15,” Dr. Dunbar opines.

According to Dr. Dunbar, included in the 150 are those 50 and the 100 “you’d invite to your biggest events, like a wedding, or who you’d feel fine about walking up to and slapping them on the back if you saw them at 3 a.m. in the Hong Kong airport departure lounge.”

Are you starting to count?

Social Media Impact

In this world of Zooming groups and classes or FaceTime, texting and emailing, I would argue that it is easier to keep those who one considers “good friends” and close family, and rotating the circle of fifty, well, closer. In a wonderful, also detailed article in The New Yorker, “The Limits of Friendship,” by Maria Konnikova, October 7, 2014, Dr. Dunbar was also asked about the effect of social media on friendships.

“There’s no question . . .that networks like Facebook are changing the nature of human interaction. What Facebook does and why it’s been so successful in so many ways is it allows you to keep track of people who would otherwise effectively disappear,” according to Dr. Dunbar.

““So what happens if you’re raised from a young age to see virtual interactions as akin to physical ones? “This is the big imponderable,” Dunbar said. “We haven’t yet seen an entire generation that’s grown up with things like Facebook go through adulthood yet.” Dunbar himself doesn’t have a firm opinion one way or the other about whether virtual social networks will prove wonderful for friendships or ultimately diminish the number of satisfying interactions one has. “I don’t think we have enough evidence to argue either way,” he said.”“

Wisdom As You Age

Aging has its unique challenges, not only health challenges, but loss of a special loved one and beloved friends and family, and not only through death. Friendships can fade when circumstances change and new friendships blossom. I know what I want in my life that is left and what I am willing to and have to give.

I am more selective, and I am actually busier in retirement than anticipated. I value spending time with my family, children, and grandchildren and need time for those who I love. Ultimately, as I age, I value and appreciate the quality of that Dr. Dunbar “inner circle” of intimate, close friends and family members, strong, reciprocal friendships, and the next circle prioritizing “good friends” and close family, a more important for my emotional health than a large number of 100 casual or one-way connections that Dr. Dunbar would have as part of his circle of 150 friends.

Quality over Dunbar’s quantity. I feel those like-minded, who have gained the years of experience, as well as the wisdom of age, might agree and, also be grateful for the enrichment friendships bring to life. I do not know if I could now gather 150 for an event nor would I want to. Age has that advantage too!

Joy,

Mema