“Adding Life to Years” Is Something To Plan For Many Decades Earlier
A friend in his mid 80's sent an article, “ The Truths of Getting Old,” by Richard David Hames, on Substack, to a friend in her 60s. He didn’t send it to me. I think it was because I am reaching the decade of the 80s, and he perceived that it would be too difficult for me to read.
My friend in her 60s sent me the article and asked me several times if I had yet read it yet and what did I think?
Yes, “adding life to years” requires planning many decades earlier!
What I love about the article is the recognition of the reality that we never face our age. We cannot believe that we are the physical age that we are. I think that we never mentally get past being forever in our 40s and 50s. Why do I say for 40s and 50s? Because that is the gravy of life. That is when we realize who we are, and we become comfortable with who we are. So why would our brains want us to go past that beautiful mental and physical stage.
My favorite part of the article about living as we age is the message that the author gives to those of us younger. I think it is a message that we should pass on to adult children and grandchildren.
“The wrinkles of old age are not simply signs of decline, though our youth-obsessed culture insists on reading them that way. They are the visible record of resilience, adaptation, loss, joy, and endurance — a document written on the body over ninety years or more, decipherable to anyone willing to look. To sit patiently with those who have travelled furthest through life, to ask questions and genuinely await the answers, is to honour not only their past but also our own future.”
“Paying attention, in practice, is not complicated. It means asking about the photograph on the shelf rather than glancing past it. It means letting the story run to its end, even the familiar one — especially the familiar one — and then asking the question that opens the next room. And what happened to him? Were you frightened? Would you do it again?”
“It means recording a conversation while there is still a voice to record and asking, before it’s too late, the questions we postpone because we assume there will always be another visit. There will not always be another visit.”
“Of all the regrets people report after a death, the most common is not something said but something never asked.”
“The truth about very old age is that it’s neither the serene twilight of the greeting cards nor just a catalogue of losses. It’s the final and perhaps most demanding chapter of a human life — one that asks extraordinary courage of those living it and asks of the rest of us only that we pay attention. That seems a small price to pay for what’s on offer: the last testimony of people who have seen more of life than we have and who will not be here to tell us about it much longer.’”
Thank you, Richard David Hames, there are questions I wished I had asked those who have passed, and I wish I had videotaped them, but your truths are not the only truths to share.
What do I think of the article?
The article made me feel very lucky. I had a role model of my mother-in-law who lived until her late nineties. I took her advice to heart. She said there are two periods of aging, young old and old old. She said do everything you want to and can while you are young old because when you reach old old beginning around age 84, it’s not that you cannot do things anymore, it’s that you may not want to.
To my mother-in-law, who was like my second mother, longevity didn’t mean just living a long time. It also meant living well and being able to enjoy life, both physically and mentally.
And my parents were a role model, a role model of survival. They taught me to live each day as if it were your last. You never know when the Nazis will come again, but you also don’t know when death will take you.
My parents taught me to never leave a day in your life where you do not bring yourself happiness, or use the day to its fullest, and challenge yourself. Make it your goal each day feeling that it’s OK if you die tomorrow, you have lived a life worth living.
So, two tips or messages I think important truths I learned from those older and wiser, I pass along in this blog post.
1. Adaptation and acceptance. Those of us who accept the aging process and adapt our lives are those who enter those years, not with trepidation, but with realization that we are going to need adaptation and accommodation. We might need a cane. We might need a hearing aid. We might need a live-in aide. We might need to move from our homes. We might need to give up our drivers’ licenses. How mentally we accept those accommodations and adapt to them impacts our quality of life. It impacts our children and grandchildren to want us around and who want us to live well.
My beloved mother-in-law, of whom I have written blog posts, lived to age 98 and died in her sleep after playing a day of bridge. She moved from her home to an independent living facility, learned to use Uber, and was social to the day she died. I hope to emulate her. She asked me to read this blog post I wrote about her at her funeral, and I did so tearfully. My Mother-in-law, the Star, https://www.grandmother-blog.com/post/my-mother-in-law-the-star
2. Preparation and living life. Living life means proactively taking part in life. To take care of our bodies and our minds and remain active and social in our lives, and for as long as we can. Medicare pays for physical therapy, for strength and stamina, and fall prevention. As we age, we cannot wait for others to take care of us and ask about our lives. We have to take care of ourselves. And part of that taking care of ourselves is being the type of person that other people want to be around. It means journaling our own life to leave for the future generations.
My memoir is in the process of being finished. I am not waiting until my 90s to share my life journey with those I love and those who might be interested in my survival of being born of the Holocaust.
And I end this blog post with some of the best tips to share. This is applicable to everyone and anyone:
Have friends that are up to 10 years older or more than you and friends that are up to 10 years or more younger than you.
The friends 10 years older than you will ease your way and tell you what to expect in life.
Pay it forward to the friends that are 10 years younger than you.
You will then always have friends in your life.
Don’t assume that the good advice will only come from those older than you.
Don’t assume the friends you lose will be those older than you.
Living each day to its fullest, life can end at any time in
Joy,
Mema
