The Intimacy Weekend: What is it and Why This Retired Family Court Judge Thinks It is Imperative for Every Committed Relationship and Marriage
- Mema
- Oct 23
- 5 min read
Whenever a couple near and dear to me tells me that they are entering into a committed relationship, getting engaged, or getting married, I first recommend premarital counseling, which I learned builds a strong foundation for the new committed relationship or marriage. There will be three entities, each person as an individual and as a separate entity, the committed or marital relationship. Combining the entities in a safe, expert setting eases the transition. Why not make going into a committed relationship or marriage easier?
Second, for the sustenance of the committed relationship or marriage, I offer them something to consider to maintain the closeness and happiness they are feeling now that I learned dealing with children and families and marriage and divorce for over forty years. I tell them that I found that life interferes with the intimate connection that lead them into a committed relationship, getting engaged, or getting married. When there is a breakdown or interruption in the relationship, where one or both of the parties feel that something is lacking, this retired family court judge found that the first thing that was lost was intimacy, the intimate connection that brought them together in the first place.
Consult the prior blog posts below on relationships, especially regarding the selection process, other considerations and potential red flags or abuse or mental health issues one might not have thought of. These can be addressed in premarital counseling, individual sessions as well as joint sessions, and may make one reconsider commitment. I tell the happy couple that there is something that I have come up with that actually works in preserving the intimate connection during the relationship.
I call it the intimacy weekend and if you cannot afford the time or the money for an entire weekend, a 24 hour period is the minimum. Intimacy is an experience that promotes closeness and trust, sharing of feelings, thoughts, perspectives and ideas, and not just physical affection (although most partners shared this during the weekend). It is a shared experience that helps keep a deep sense of connection.
In order for the intimacy weekend, or call it break from life, to be successful, there are four conditions and necessary planning.
1. The couple must go away for the weekend. They cannot remain in their home. They can remain in someone else’s home. They can trade homes and weekends with dear friends. They can pitch a tent in a park. Remaining home always provides excuses to do other things than concentrate on each other.
2. The intimacy 24 hours or weekend must take place quarterly. The planning for the next quarterly intimacy weekend takes place during the intimacy weekend the couple is enjoying. So, you know when and where the next intimacy weekend will happen. It can be part of a trip or vacation, so long as the rules are followed for at least 24 hours, preferably 48 hours. It works well in the middle of a vacation.
3. There are to be no electronics, no telephones, texting, surfing, television or videos, nothing to interfere with the enjoyment of each other during the intimacy weekend. This requires planning for work, responsibilities, pets, children and the two not have any distractions or other requirements. Being in and enjoying activities in nature is a plus.
4. During the intimacy weekend, the partners are to talk about good times, talk about the memories of how they met, what brought them together, and what is good about them being together.
When a committed relationship or marriage has hit a rough spot, and I have never known a marriage that has not had a few, after two intimacy weekends (if possible, sequentially plan two in a row—increase time to 48 hours definitely and do two within one three month period — so add an extra), it is most helpful to the relationship for the partners to attend partners counseling. That is where to discuss problems and issues, not during the intimacy weekend.
But, after an intimacy weekend going (or going back) to counseling can be suggested. There are many outstanding counselors who can act as intermediaries to be able to bring out those issues and help resolve those issues that has brought the relationship to the point of a rough spot.
From experience, taking care of little issues before they become big issues keeps a marriage strong. It has always been this retired family court judge’s philosophy that, absent selection ignored or newly arisen red flags or abuse, the grass is not greener, and divorce should be a last resort in any marriage, especially if there are children. Counseling is not a one time event, as life challenges and crises are not one time events in any relationship, unfortunately.
There is another saying I have, a perfect committed relationship or marriage is one in which you are happy 70% of the time. Again, see my video speech on the YouTube link below on my website and blog posts listed below. So, why the intimacy weekend? it makes the bond strong so that when the rough spots happen, there is a good foundation for working to make divorce the last resort.
When I was a divorce lawyer, before I became a family court judge, where appropriate, beginning potential clients on two sequential intimacy weekends, combined with relationship counseling, and subsequent monthly to quarterly weekends saved a lot of marriages.
By the time a person goes to see a divorce lawyer, they are already in the midst of an emotional divorce and an emotional divorce proceeds a legal divorce. As a divorce lawyer, I would look to see what stage of the emotional divorce the parties were in, (that is set out for you in prior posts), the client was in and also evaluate as best I could the stage of the emotional divorce the spouse of a client was in. Mostly, they were never in the same stage at the same time. There were stages and conditions where the marriage could be saved, and there were stages and conditions where it was more difficult for it to be saved, and there
were stages and conditions where, from my experience, I knew the marriage was
not going to be saved.
Each time I wished that the couple had known about the intimacy weekend. Now you know the secret. In my opinion, it is a secret to happiness and a long and perfect relationship with
Joy,
Mema
See, also YouTube video at https://www.reneegoldenberg.com and previous
posts:
