What Is A Perfect Marriage? Hear It From This Retired Family The Good Marriage Court Judge
I’m reading a book, “The Book Club for Troublesome Women,” by Maria Bostwick. I would say it is about being a 1960s married woman. I have come to the part in the book where all the four women seem to hate their husbands. Hate is the word that the author uses. I’d like to use the words “seriously unhappy” in their marriages.
I know that it the same for both sexes, there are times in a committed relationship, or marriage, where a man will seem to hate the woman in the marriage too, be seriously unhappy, so this blog post is for men and women.
I note this paragraph from the book:
“They weren’t living in the Middle Ages after all. Not one woman in that room had been forced into marriage. Yes, Bitsy had been facing tough circumstances, but she still had choices – to marry, not to marry, to marry later, to marry someone else. All of them had been given and made a choice, had chosen one particular person from all of humanity as the one.“
After experience with children and families for over forty years, including being a family lawyer for over a decade, then being a family court judge for twenty years and handling about 40,000 family cases, the majority of which were divorces, I think I can speak to this.
As a matter of fact, I did speak about this previously and wrote about it previously.
My saying is that marriage is falling in love many times, always with the same person.
My next saying is divorce should be a last resort.
One should have maturity, older age, and experience, when contemplating a partner, and then make a choice within the 80% of reasonableness. The 20% unacceptable choice is if you are considering marriage or married a habitual alcoholic or drug user, an abuser, or one mentally ill. Take your time. Look at the family you are taking on for life as well. Be careful in your choice. More differences mean more difficulties, and a partnership is hard in the best of circumstances.
Unlike suggested by the book, there is more than one person, more than one soulmate, in the world for each person.
There are two books that I recommend on committed relationships and marriage.
One is by Dr. Judith Wallerstein, “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts.” It is an old book and a wise one. It talks about the four basic types of marriage, the Romantic Marriage, the Rescue Marriage, the Companionate Marriage, and the Traditional Marriage.
The other is “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” by Dr. Gary Chapman, who says to build a healthy relationship, partners must learn and practice their partner’s primary love language. The five described are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
If you choose wisely and fall in the 80% of marriages that could possibly work well, any committed relationship takes a lot of work. One always thinks of having a family physician, an internist. I think that an individual therapist and family therapist from the beginning of the consideration of commitment is the basis of a successful partnership. If you don’t know yourself, how can you make a good choice? Once you have made the choice, how does the partnership meld and how do you learn and have help to navigate the challenges to come?
If you are going to bring children into this committed relationship or marriage, your choice affects generations to come.
My next saying is that a perfect marriage is when you are happy 70% of the time.
How can you expect to be happy all the time in a marriage with a stranger who has a different upbringing, different family traditions and rituals, when you can’t even get along with your own siblings, who share your blood and those other things.
Premarital testing and counseling, and continued assistance through counseling during the periods which occur in every committed relationship when there are challenges that threaten your marriage, or either or both are unhappy, not only are assets, but they are also essentials.
Marriage is a contract between two parties and the government; be contemplative and careful in entering it. A professionally negotiated and executed premarital agreement should be a given today.
In Florida, to be granted a dissolution of marriage one must swear under oath that the marriage is irretrievably broken, broken beyond repair.
Children who are adults when their parents divorce or leave their committed relationship suffer the most. They question if their childhood was ever happy and their parents were ever happy. Next, divorce is hardest on teenage children. They are going through the crises and angst of their own and to add yours to theirs is just too difficult for that stage of development. The younger children do the best when their parents divorce, but the best is not good.
So, I repeat what I said at the beginning of this post. If you choose to enter the contract and commitment of marriage, you should also commit to the contract that divorce will be a last resort.
Yes, I am only partway through this book and I don’t know what happens to these women who all hate their husbands. Probably something that happens in real life. Some should not been in that marriage to begin with and should get out sooner rather than later. Some will remain in an unhappy marriage. Some will ultimately divorce, even after the work trying to save the marriage. But hopefully some choose to do what is necessary to be happy and fall in love again with the same person.
You are in a perfect marriage/partnership when you choose timely and wisely, with eyes open as well as heart, with work and with professional assistance, and yes, happy at least 70% of the time with
Joy,
Mema
